The Dark Side of Public Relations

“Hello.”

“Yes Hello.  Am I speaking to Mr Jonathan Kent?”

“You are.”
“Mr.Kent, my name is Skylar Dutt and I’m the head of public affairs at the Order of the Sith Lords.  I’m ringing about a piece you wrote a couple of weeks ago.  You happened to mention one of our better known members…”

“Uh huh.”

“A Mr. Darth Vader.  You may recall the piece.”

“Can’t say we’ve actually met, but I have written about him, yes.”
“Indeed. Well I need to tell you that we have some issues with the comments about Mr Vader and we’re going to be seeking a retraction.”

“OK.  I think we’d better start by establishing exactly which comments you feel warrant a retraction.”

“Well you use the phrase in the piece ‘he has all the moral authority of a Darth Vader’.”

“I did.”

“Well Mr Vader, if I may speak frankly, feels somewhat slighted.  Mr Vader is a prominent member of the Sith Order and a respected figure on the Imperial stage. He’s someone with considerable moral authority.”

“Surely that’s a matter of opinion.”

“Well perhaps you could give me an instance where you think that Mr Vader’s moral standing has been compromised.”

“Well, I can’t say I’ve charted every twist and turn of Mr Vader’s career but it has been rather chequered has it not?”

“On the contrary, I’d say he has shown unswerving devotion to the dark side.  Chequered implies he has twisted and turned.  It implies, does it not, a measure of hypocrisy of which Mr Vader is adamant he’s never been guilty.”

“Well forgive my mistake. I was trying to be generous.  So rather than beat around the bush perhaps I should simply mention the torture of Princess Leia and the destruction of her homeword Alderaan.”

“I’m sorry but I fail to see what those incidents have to do with anything.”

“You fail to see what torture and the murder of two billion innocent people have to do with anything?”

“I don’t.  Firstly Princess Leia was in possession of information that would have allowed us to identify the location of a terrorist base in time of war and as such the Empire had every right to use all means at its disposal to obtain that information.  As for Alderaan Mr. Vader was not involved in the decision making process that lead to its destruction.”

“No, he simply stood by and let it happen.”

“Indeed.”

“And you call that moral?”

“I do.  It’s entirely consistent with Mr Vader’s being a senior figure in the Empire’s high command and a member of the Sith Order.”

“But hardly moral.”

“Yes it is.  You’re imposing your own moral framework on Mr Vader. That implies a fundamental lack of respect for his values and beliefs and consequently we demand a retraction.”

“I have to say that the moral perspective I bring to my judgements are ones that the vast majority of my readers would subscribe to.”

“You act as though all moralities are not equal.”

“They aren’t.”

“And who are you to say that?”

“The guy who wrote the article.”

“I’m sorry but that article caused great offence.”

“Some articles do.”

“So as the guy who wrote the article we’re demanding you print a retraction or an apology.”

“No. Sorry.”

“I must insist.”

“Absolutely not.  Mr. Vader is a murderous psychopath.”

“True, but he is not only a murderous psychopath who is redeemed in the last reel but he is a prominent individual for whom murderous psychopathy is an integral part of his belief system and who has a right to have those beliefs respected.”

“Tough.”

“And that’s your final word?”

“Yup”

“There will be consequences….”

“Fine. So sue me.”

“Sue you?” (Evil laugh)  “Mr Kent, very few people with a fleet of death stars at their disposal have much use for lawyers.  Good Day.”

(clunk)…

TBC

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4 Responses to The Dark Side of Public Relations

  1. Solid Gold says:

    Reblogged this on Alex Gold and commented:
    It makes so much sense now! How to deal with a PR attack on your journalistic piece, as told by Vader’s PR rep. LOL

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