Out of Office Reply: Re: End of the World. You F*%ked Up!

Photo: Wolfgang Sauber

Photo: Wolfgang Sauber

On Sat, Dec 22, 2012 at 10:39 AM, MPTC Office <noreply@MPTC.gt> wrote:

Hello and greetings from the Mayan People’s Timekeeping Collective.

Thank you for contacting us.  For those who wrote to wish us a merry Solstice; straight back atcha.  We spun a few old Jethro Tull singles and hammered our way through a bucketful of Tequila Slammers last night to celebrate the season.  It was some party.  Hope yours was too.

For those who wrote enquiring why the world didn’t end we have the following message from the Collective’s VP Public Affairs Bobbi ‘Angel’ Huehuetlotl.

Dear customer / dedicated follower / flaky New Age hanger-on.

You may be experiencing some disappointment that the world did not actually come to an end on December 21st.  Judging by our inbox, which has been full of complaints, you are not alone.

I’m afraid that, what with the festive season all but upon us and with our co-workers being flat out trying to meet demand, we’re unable to reply to all of you individually but we hope the following will address most of the points that have been made.

Firstly I have to stress that the collective cannot be held responsible for the fact that you ran up huge credit card bills thinking you’d never have to repay them.  Please take that up with your bank.  Thereafter the bigger issues should be laid at the door of Alan Greenspan and friends.  The massive expansion of consumer credit is a facet of modern Western consumer capitalism and not ancient Mayan culture.  We’ve been trying to explain about taking the long view, enjoying love and community and living in harmony with nature for longer than any of us care to remember – but you guys insist on equating happiness with stuff.  Sorry – but your issues with Amex just ain’t our problem.

Rtanj Mountain, Serbia.  Still there.  Pix credit Tamburix

Rtanj Mountain, Serbia. Still there.
Picture credit Tamburix

To those of you who have sold everything and decamped to mountains in France/Serbia/Turkey/China (thanks to those who bought food/Tshirts from our stall here at the festival in Guatemala BTW) leaving your wives/husbands/families and entered into eschatologically driven but ultimately ill advised relationships on the grounds that ‘what the heck, we won’t have to worry about the morning after the night before’ –  sorry but, once again, it’s not our fault.  I’ve been explaining to any and every European who would listen that we simply don’t buy into your vision of an end time.  That’s a Zoroastrian/Judaeo/Christian/Islamic construct.  Seriously, the Ancient Egyptians got it.  Time is cyclical.  Nature is cyclical.  Hoping for a final battle between good and evil is the self-deluding opiate of the oppressed.  Won’t happen.  The bad guys want bad stuff to go on for ever.  They’ve got no stake in a show down.

But hey if you’re into the whole apocalypse thing try looking closer to home.  There are plenty of people, especially in the States for some reason, who really bought into the world ending on the 21st gig but who reckon climate change is a conspiracy.  Follow the money guys and while you’re about it trade in the SUV.

Meanwhile there are some folks who reckon we completely mussed up their holiday season.  Clearly misreading the instructions that accompanied the calendar (we are pressing Sergey and Larry to include Ancient Mayan in Google Translate) has meant that several of you thought you didn’t need to buy Christmas presents this year.  Yes it is a bit late to expect Amazon to deliver in time.  However if you do have the use of your legs you might think about going to an actual shop, with real people, who pay their taxes.

Then for those of you who thought they wouldn’t need a 2013 Calendar the Mayan People’s Timekeeping Collective is proud to offer the following:

X Factor 2013 – featuring a selection of past winners and runners up; a wonderful reminder of how fast time passes and how transient fame is, especially if you have little real talent and largely appeal to the elderly and hard of hearing.

Justin Bieber 2013 – if you’d really been looking forward to the apocalypse then twelve months with Justin should add extra piquancy to the feeling that you were cheated and encourage you to look forward to the next one.

Hot Tories 2013 – for those of you in the UK not only will you be able to cross off the days until the next election, you’ll be able to cross off cabinet ministers as they fall prey to the inevitable scandals the new year will bring.  Apologies to those who were looking forward to Hot Lib Dems 2013; we were forced to cancel through lack of demand.

Lastly I would like to refudiate any suggestion that the whole Mayan Apocalypse farrago was cooked up as a clever viral sales strategy by the MPTC’s calendar marketing division.

Seriously people; we produced a 5000 year calendar right?  If ever there were masters of old technology it was us.  So it didn’t exactly take us long to get on top of Facebook, Twitter and the blogsphere.  And it’s not as though you Europeans are the only ones able to spot a marketing opportunity.  So Merry Christmas, enjoy the next long count and, if you don’t have one yet, check out our 2013 diaries as well.


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One Response to Out of Office Reply: Re: End of the World. You F*%ked Up!

  1. Andy lancaster. says:

    There must be someone we can sue concerning this failed Apocalypse? Is it really beyond the wit of our modern lawyers to find a culprit and enable us all to claim simply and efficiently on line?
    But where do I go to do it? Not a single phone call received, not a single TV advert relating to it over the Christmas period.
    These Mayans should be challenged. What if they do it again in another 5000 years? Our children must be protected.
    After all , if we cant rely on such a blood thirsty, occult based, child sacrificing, violent people for good advice, who can we turn to?

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