How To Pick Up Women

Hi, thanks for dropping by.

Now as the author of a popular blog about life in Sussex (and wherever else I go) people often ask me for advice about relationships.

I think this demonstrates a degree of intelligence. Of course you can find all sorts of advice like this all over the internet, most of it from sad, illiterates scribbling click-baitey articles from the comfort of their apartments in St Petersburg or Dishwash, Idaho, many of whom have managed to avoid talking to adult women their entire lives.

I’m not going to give you that sort of advice. No sir. I’m going to give you good, solid advice about how to pick up women founded on experience and solid scientific evidence. And don’t worry. It’s simple. And there are very few long words. Or metaphorical allusions. Damn. Except those ones.

So to the point.  Let’s start by looking at posture. People often neglect the horrendous back injuries that people sustain because their pick-up technique is poor. Therefore please ensure that your feet are approximately shoulder width apart.

Then decide whether you are going to take hold of the woman you are going to pick up from the front or the back. Generally I prefer to grasp them from behind. This sidesteps the issue of finding your face wedged in their cleavage. This can be both distracting and cause breathing difficulties. It’s also awkward if you haven’t yet been introduced to the person concerned.

Then you must decide at what point to grasp them. You will want to bend your knees before lifting so you can keep your back straight and let your thighs do all the work.

If you are taller than the person you are picking up then it makes sense to take them by the waist. If you are shorter then perhaps by the thighs. Remember; bend your knees and keep a straight back.

Finally try not to pick up anyone who is too large for you. Someone who is petite and only 150cm tall might well weigh less than 50kg. Someone more solidly built and around 175cm might well be 75kg. If they are over 190cm and have a fondness for cake (don’t we all) then you may wish to proceed with caution. If you injure yourself trying to lift them they might be deeply hurt and take your subsequent course of physiotherapy as a comment on their worth and attractiveness. By attempting to pick someone up and failing you risk hurting not only yourself but them. Don’t do it. It’s not worth the pain. For anyone.

Lastly, to turn around Miss Piggy’s immortal advice that one should never eat more than one can lift, one should never lift anyone that one doesn’t feel is, in a manner of speaking, edible. It can lead to all sorts of misunderstandings.

So there you go. Good luck with picking up women. Just mind that back!

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